If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Randomize
