why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
