I met the friendliest cop last night
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize