Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I believe in your delicious
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize