Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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