They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
