i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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