dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize