Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
