it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize