I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
