I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
