Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
