So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
