so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
