We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
