I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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