I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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