Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
