I hope mine doesn't look like that
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
