we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
