my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think your dad took our porno
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
