i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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