Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Found your dick twin last night
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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