so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
