i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
