Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
time to smoke my breakfast
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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