She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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