If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
