Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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