so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
