He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
