Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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