how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
