Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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