she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
