Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
