his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
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