No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
