It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
