I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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