Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
