I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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