Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
