running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
did i just pee glitter
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
