i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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