i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
