My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
