Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
