he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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