I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize