I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
