Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
