my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
