never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
