I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
