it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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