he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
