On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
