That's intense
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize