I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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