this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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