I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
