Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You are the jesus of drinking
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
