I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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