dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
