oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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